coziness.

can you remember what I was like.
I hardly can.
a floaty scene of fresh colours and a will.
it's all blurred now.

used to write. not a whole lot but some.
used to like it, used to be happy with the result,
even if I was the only one, but I alone knew what I meant
with every word. and kept it to myself mostly.


used to dream about the world. and places. about situations.
about people I was to meet. meet, love, laugh with, cry, be
disappointed by, learn, meet others. gain people for life.
not "friends" . people. for life.
I can explain the term but I dont want to.

used to think I was best on my own, had room to think
and feel and do what I wanted.

I know nobody has forced any different upon me,
but I can't help but feeling that in the middle of all
the good things, a sleepy fog came to live in my life some
time around then.

plans and dreams... seem to float further away.
slowly.
you know when the boat drifted just far enough that you can
no longer reach it.
I don't want the boat to drift that far.

I don't know why but I'm sure a well educated person could
tell me the answer. I'm not too interested at the moment though.
why, such issues with independence and... dependence decide to
force their aquintence on me.
when it gets too real and things are locked or decided it all
locks around my wrists and clings onto me and holds me down.
and panic. usually. oh the infamous panic.
hah.

sleep lets my mind escape and does everything it isn't
allowed to. it jumps off roof tops, crashes parties.
all you bitches throw your hands in the air and wave 'em like you
just dont care.

every sense just betrays what my conscience promised and wants(?)
that's what I thought. that's what I remembered I said I wanted.
that's what I remembered I wanted.

my eyes look at what they shouldn't.
my mouth tastes what it said it wouldn't.
my ears love the sound of all things that are no longer there.
my hands reach for what will burn,
and I smile at the smell of what I gave away to forget.


I guess it's pretty simple.
either stick to it and see what happens when you choose
not to run.
or do just that and remain the same old moi.

cheers.