Listen now
I am afraid of everything
When you told me I was special
It was the happiest moment for a long long time.
- The Knife.


Been at the hospital all day. To recap, they stole my blood,
poked me and let me wait for about 5 hours all in all.
Cause Swedish medical shizz is awesome.
(Cause Blizzard response team is awesome)
Turns out I have something called glandular fever.
Which basically means your throat swells up like fuck, so you can't eat or drink.
And you have a fever. And your head hurts constantly. And blahblah.
Thing is, they can't do anything about it, and I'll just have to wait it out, which can take up to 3 weeks. Awesome.
They wanted me to stay at the hospital at first, but since I'm still able to force down soup and all, I got out of that one. Fucking hate hospitals. Firstly the smell, it's just so "hello, you're among 100's of sick people, enjoy :D"
Then the fact that everything's so sterile and white. And then the fact that if you have to stay there over a couple of nights you'll want to shoot yourself instead of getting better.


and oh, worst thing about this; try being hungry all the time without being able to eat : D
It's like a diet for fat people. I feel their pain.

Sometimes you just realise things really quick. Things that took so much time from you.
Suddenly just. WHAM. mmkay.


I’m not lovin' you
'Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin you
'Way I wanted to

You lose
You lose

Did your moma never teach you to fuck off?

I'm literally dying.
I have no experience of being a little starving African child, to compare with, so by my standards, I certainly am.
Having a fever on and off for two weeks atleast does things to you. If nothing else, you really can't be bothered with people - bothering you.
Not to worry, I'm not yet as self centered as to think that everyone else's world stops turning because I'm ill. So don't worry about that, I said.
Still, when they seak you up, just to nag, whine or be a pain in the ol' behind, I sit there with my 2-weeks-lasting-fever and realise I'm either going to put my head through the wall, or snap at them. Since I like my head more than the people at that moment, the outcome is pretty predictable.
All it does though, is to piss these people off, and if I'm lucky they will shut up until I'm well enough again to deal with their shit, and if I'm not so lucky they will continue their little crusade in my brain. That's when I start to wonder, did your mom never teach you to fuck off in time? Well it's just about time to learn then.
Fuck off, no hard feelings. If wanting to kill you is not considered hard feelings.
<3mmbye.

1st

This thing I wrote a while ago. Felt like it should start this thing up pretty well.
mmkay.

Lucien Lucien Lucien Lucien

Not a wave on the mirror-like lake, not a breeze to disturb the expected
No one should have to mind
No one should have to be troubled
The roaring hole on the bottom of it all, it shouldn’t really be there.
Now you tell me everything is alright, that you don’t mind.
Waste my time.
This is where I am from, no one seems to know
It breeds Cold Blood, can I be blamed for wanting the heat I can’t produce?
Cold Blood, boil it, set fire to it, fill it with storms, explosions and the roaring ocean.
It is Cold Blood. Do you realise.
Won’t be boiled,
set fire to, filled with storms, explosions and the roaring ocean.You will have no reaction.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Silence being one thousand times worse any harm fire could do.
Calm impossible to disturb, relentless to all prayers of escapes for the clawing, scratching, pounding, hitting, stabbing.
Can you feel me? You have my envy, for I feel nothing.
Feel neither your heart nor mine.
Cold Blood, it won’t be ignited like this.

My name is Ater and I search for Lumen. I search for I need it to exist.
Lucien, find me, for I have no strength left to search for you.
You need me, my dearest, you need my tragedies for your life to exist.
That is where you are from, everyone seems to know
It breeds Warm Blood, can you be blamed for being born to ignite the Cold?
Warm Blood, find your way into my veins, for I wish I wasn’t what I am.
Your eternal leg iron.
Time pass by and I shall realise my place.
You will have time to find me. Just enough if you would want to.
When you don’t,
I will go to sleep. Cold Blood, keep me still, suffocate the clawing,
scratching, pounding, hitting, stabbing from the inside.
Keep me ever so still.